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Randomness

The randomness of life.

Circling The Drain

circlign the drain

My forties are coming to a close, and the ever-looming fifties are upon me.   We make up fun sayings when we end a decade to make the slap of reality less painful. Flirty Thirty, Naughty Forty, and Filthy Fifty! So we get nastier with age!

My forties have been about learning how life works, becoming okay with who I am as a woman. In my experience, I was more than happy to leave my thirties behind, as well as my twenties. I came into my own in my forties, and it only took me 25 years to do it.

My Thirties

This decade was filthy in more ways than one. I was still in active addiction, and most of my thirties passed me by without a thought. I remember the days would pass into weeks and weeks in months and months into years.  Each New Year would come around, and I would think, “Wow, another year, and I am still alive.”  I began to have some clarity in my 38th year. And with the help of God, I went to a recovery house for women that changed my entire being.

I was in my forties when I discover the woman in me, and what it meant to be me without a belly full of drugs! I started to develop into a responsible, productive, loving, kind woman.

These are some of the things I have come to realize in the last decade:

  1. Learned how to be a friend
  2. Let go of toxic things, and the only people in my life love and respect me. (this one took awhile)
  3. Experienced love and trust and could reciprocate it back.
  4. Learned how to forgive and sometimes even forget.
  5. Stopped caring if I had makeup on to go to the grocery store.
  6. Started to love me and all my imperfections.
  7. Keeping a scorecard is never worth it – letting go wins, so much less energy.
  8. Everyone is not going to love you, and that’s okay, love anyways.
  9. Live in the solution, not the problem. (this way of thinking helped me tremendously)
  10. Began a sweet relationship with Jesus. ♥♥♥♥♥♥
  11. Understood the meaning of the word surrender.
  12. I love breathing compressed air and being underwater more than being on land.
  13. My emotions rule me any longer.
  14. Getting acceptance of others and myself.
  15. Music is healing
  16. It’s okay to cry
  17. Not everyone will forgive you.
  18. I realized I was either operating out of fear or love.
  19. Either I was running too something or from something, and I needed to stop and be.
  20. Grief does lessen with time, and time does heal.
  21. I am more adventurous and bold than I thought – I moved to Mexico alone.
  22. It’s okay to agree to disagree with people and still find value in the friendship.
  23. My friends know everything about me and love and accept me anyway.
  24. Learned to be alone, but not lonely.
  25. Age is only a number, and I try not to let it define me. I have friends of all ages, and that gives me perspective.  
     

In conclusion, I know the next decade of my life is going to be excellent; I am going to embrace it with all its challenges and adventures and learning curves.

All I know for sure is:
 
The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.
 
Socrates

Blessings scubagirl65

New Season

I have not written for a long time. Where does the time go? I am amazed at all the super women out there. . Women in my life that work full time, have a family,  school;  a project or passion they work on and don’t forget about exercise and eating fabulous tasty nutritious meal, redecorating their home and on and on and on. I am not one of them, but I would aspire to be.

It a-m-a-z-e-s meeee, I can barely work full time and work on starting my new business and I am exhausted. I have BAD habits I tell ya! It is so hard to get those bad habits straightened out.

I feel this year for me will be all about walking by faith. Resting in the knowledge that I am taken care of. Knowing that God has my back in all things especially in my new business. All the past experience with failure surfaces and tells me I can’t, I don’t know enough, this will never work – all those lies that my head tells me, yet my heart rests in the knowledge that it’s going to be okay. I will not let my past determine my future no matter what my head tells me!

Sometimes I don’t know if my brain shuts off after 3pm and I can no longer think to write but I have all this inside and I am determined to get it out.

So let me see if I can do a better job with this blog.

Happy New Years to you all as we almost at the end of the first month of the year, I wish you peace and contentment in this coming year.

EDIT:

I wrote this in 2015. I still have bad habit’s but maybe not as bad so I am thankful for that.  I still have not put myself on a writing schedule even thou I have time.

And I am learning to stop looking in the rear-view mirror and move past traumas and heartbreak and walk into my future. Let all that shit go. I still know in my heart that everything will be okay.

Blessings peeps.

Friendship and Expectations

My mother then told me “if you obtain a handful of good friends over you’re lifetime; you are blessed.” When I was 12, that didn’t mean a thing to me, however as I sit today at 47 yrs. old it means the world to me and so do my handful of friends.

I have always tried to take my personal inventory in relationships and in the world at large. Not saying this always happens or I am always perfect or right but then I always have some loving friends that ask me “what’s your part in it?”

When people don’t act the way I think they are supposed too; is when the problem always starts. The one thing I have learned about myself is that I am a caretaker and I seem to give more then I get back. The thing with caretaking is that ultimately it brews resentment. Especially in times that I lose my voice. Not literally lose my voice but get to the point of not saying what’s really going on inside. Covering it up, masking it because I want to be liked and that committee full of pity inside my head tells me that I am not worthy and I better just shut up and take it. This is by having limited, or no boundaries with that person.

Ok, so I know the problem then what is the solution? Have no expectations on people. When I start to place expectations on people is when disappointment and resentment and hurt come into play. When I place my expectations on man, he will undoubtedly fail. I can only control my actions, thoughts, and feelings. I cannot change the way other people act, feel or think. I have to stand true to self. No matter what; I tell that “committee of pity” – that I am worth it and I am loved and valued. If that one person holds a grudge because of me saying my truth then truly he was no friend at all.

My friends that I have today, I know without a doubt in my heart that they will go that extra mile for me. My mother’s words ring true.

I know that in order to have a friend I need to be a friend. Going the distance; listening, sharing, caring about the other person’s feelings but not care-taking them and putting my own needs aside to fulfill theirs. That makes for a one-sided unhealthy relationship. Give and take is always a requirement with healthy boundaries in place.

CS Lewis said it best and many of my long-term friendships started out this way…..

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: “What! You too? I thought I was the only one.”

Blessings,

scubagirl65