It has been a long time since I have put pen to paper or should I say fingers to keys. Writing has always been a way for me to get it all out. The last couple of years I have stopped using my voice.
Things changed for me a so much. I met the man that I thought I was going to marry. He took up so much of my time that I think I lost myself. Lost myself in his life and forgot about things that made me truly happy. How did I let that happen……..again? I ask myself this, over the last few months. The love that was anything but calm, had me scrambling, in all directions – it was an all-consuming fire our love.
We both agreed that we had never felt anything like this before, and it’s not like we didn’t have our share of relationships, but this one was different from the moment we laid eyes on each other. We couldn’t get enough of each other. It soon became all consuming. We talked on the phone ALL the time, skype sessions for hours and trips to see each other. He became my world. Nothing else mattered except him and his life. I stopped doing things that made me happy because he was my world.
Now, this is not a fairy tale love story like I thought in the beginning, it soon became very apparent that this relationship had some problems. Not with our love but with life.
He lived 2000 miles away, divorced but still not over the loss of the family unit. His children were everything to him and that was part of the strong attraction I think I had for him. He had all-consuming love and loyalty towards his children which to me showed me what kind of man he was. I think because the father of my daughter who had no interest in being a father right from conception and most of the men I met over the years seemed to be dead-beat dads, this man only wanted the best for his children and worked hard and played hard to make sure that they did have the best. I am sure I will never know the real story of his life before me because as we know there is his truth, her truth and then The Truth. Perception is a tricky thing in life.
Looking back on it today having stepped out of the fire and not on my own accord because on Feb 14th of this year his heart finally broke and he died suddenly and all my hopes and dreams that I had for a future life with him in an instant vanished.
I was left with a huge void in my life. My world became silent.
I had let so many things go during our manic whirlwind of a relationship. My life was no longer my own and I lived for his phone calls and his visits or my visits. I let go of my friends, my church, activities like my love of scuba diving. I see now how unhealthy I became now that I have silence.
Since that day almost 6 mths ago when my world stopped as I knew it and life became silent and grief took over I have had much time to reflect. Today I finally feel like I am starting to live again. I started doing the things that I love and makes me feel alive…….diving.
I have known for years that salt water heals. It heals physical ailments because of the rich magnesium in seawater but it also heals me emotionally. When I am in or under the water I instantly go into a meditative state, I have always joked that it is my therapy for the long stressful work week
Diving has its own kind of silence, a healing silence where it’s just me and my bubbles. The sounds of the ocean with its own special lullaby sung just for me.
I am so grateful that I remembered that sound of silence.
Til next time, blessings my friends