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dis-ease

Part 3- Cured of Depression

So after a couple of weeks at the center I went off my meds for depression. Within a few days I started to decline in my mental state. First symptom was I felt tired all the time, no matter how much sleep I got. That is always my very first indication of a dive into the darkness. Then a very flippant I don’t give a crap attitude, swearing like a trucker (more then usual), feelings of  guilt, hopelessness and worthlessness set in. Lack of concentration and loss of interest in life. The black hole. Darkness

Every day my friend would ask me ” how are you doing?” and I would respond “here it comes.” I spoke of the depression that held unto me for 25 years like something out of a horror movie. This depression had become my worst enemy and I felt like I was trapped in it forever. Depression was forever ….wasn’t it?

In about 1 week I was hard pressed to get out of bed. This one particular day as we were starting bible study the leader asked me a question. To be honest I can not even remember the question but I do remember that it invoked such rage, defiance and rebellion in me. If looks could kill the poor guy would be dead and he knew it. I was ready to blow this popsicle stand and leave this God behind!

That’s it everyone, its time to pray, he said.  All 10 people stood up and gathered around me and raised there hands towards me. Some touched my shoulders or my head. Most of them spoke in their prayer language of Spanish. I couldn’t understand their prayers but God did.

I started to cry. I was told I needed to ask this Jesus person, someone I did not know, to heal me. I raised over my head lifted high and I started to pray. My prayers were like a child, not flowery with beautiful words or scripture just a “please I don’t want this to control my life any longer” more of a plea then a prayer.

I felt like my insides were being pulled. Like a tug of war with my guts, like something didn’t want to let go of me. A gust of air escapes my lungs like I had been punched in the stomach. The prayers and voices went silent. I felt exhausted and I didn’t feel like anything was different.  I felt the same depression only now I was really tired! Huh see nothing happened! This God doesn’t care about me. I went to bed. I slept hours and hours but before I went to sleep I felt hopeless again.

The next day I awoke with a song in my heart! I felt something I never before felt, maybe never felt in my life. I felt freedom! I felt like the world that I was carrying was lifted from my shoulders. I had a smile on my face which was not forced

Was I cured? I was cautiously optimistic. For the first few months I waited for that dark place with no color or light start to creep in, but it never did. It has been almost 3 years and I finally threw away all my medication after the second year. I continued to think it was a fluke, it was the Mx sunshine. It was anything but an actual super-natural miracle from God! Today I know I was relieved from this deadly, mind-altering disease by Jesus.

My life has changed because of His gift to me and I know now that He has given me many gifts that I never recognized that it was from Him!

Today I have hope. And in the last 3 years I have not had a hint of any kind of depression. I am truly free. Now I just need to have him help me kick the nicotine habit! And He will in his time.

Matthew 11 : 25-30

28 ” Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden light”.

 

 

Part 2 – The turning point

 

When I was planning to move to Mexico my biggest concern was if I was going to be able to get my drugs that I came to rely on for the past 20 years. I soon found out that I could but they were expensive. I made a plan to get a 3-month supply and I would wean myself off 1 of the 3 drugs. Sounded like a plan, this would be one of my constant mistakes through out life – formulating a plan! I knew by this time in my life that left to my own devices and own thoughts I will suffer.  My best thinking got me to this point!

When I landed in Mx, I stayed at a Christian rehab center. A place that believed through prayer, I would be healed from depression.  When I heard about this place I certainly did not get a lot of hope. I heard of prayer curing people but in my heart, I thought God only helped some people but he certainly would not help me.

I grew up with a family that went to church every Sunday. I had serious Christian grandparents who were very strict and made me memorize scripture when I was 5 yrs. old.  However, the story changes from here. I put my hand up at the thought of God or even the possibility of God at one point. Looking back now, I could easily believe in demons and monsters. Why then, was it such a stretch to believe in the light and goodness of God? I was blinded but soon I would see.

One of my biggest fears about going to this Christian rehab was that I swore like a trucker. Every second or third word would be the F bomb. I joked that I would probably walk through the gate and spontaneously burst into flames. I did not.

What I found in this rehab was freedom; from depression, bitterness; and a world that had a lot of gray in it. This no way infers that the grey was from living in British Columbia Canada where we had 300 days of grey skies.

For the first 2 weeks, I was getting myself acclimatized to the new world I was living in. Mexico was at its hottest time of year, September.

I was dealing with new food, new people and no real permanent home or job. All my worldly possessions packed in my little Ford Fit. What had I done driving 4000Km, to this?

Structured like no other rehab I had gone too and believe me I have seen a few, six to be exact. Morning time we were suppose to get up early and seek God by reading the bible and praying on God’s word. I never really did that when I was there.  I would wake up just before it was devotional time. Enough time to get up and make a coffee. One thing with depression I always felt tired even on my meds; I loved my sleep and every one of my friends and family will attest to that.

I was meeting other residents that were all there for some kind of cure whether it is from alcohol, drugs or the dis-ease of life! All of us searching, for something, too alleviate the pain of living in this world.

After 3 weeks of learning the power of Jesus and HIS word, I decided that I was willing to try the power of prayer. Over the years I have always looked for a cure in some sort of pill, potion or notion why not try prayer! I was ready, willing, and open to believe that any thing was possible. I must admit that I still had doubt in my heart but so did doubting Thomas in the bible and Jesus was his teacher in the flesh until Jesus proved to Thomas that HE was indeed real and alive after HIS resurrection. This is what really happened to me. After Jesus had cured me of the depression, I finally believed HE was REAL.

I went off my meds.

Stay tuned for Part 3 – Cured!

Part 1 – Diagnosed with Depression

How I recovered from depression a debilitating, life destroying, life controlling issue.

I was “diagnosed” by a medi-center doctor (walk in clinic) who had no history on me for depression or anything else for that matter back in 1994. As I look back, I know now that depression is widely misdiagnosed. Life got you down? Oh you must be depressed, lets load you up on mood altering drugs. Instead of finding the cause of the unhappiness, sadness, hopeless, despair of life; lets give you medication. I had a severe drug problem for 28 years! Of course I am going to be unhappy, sad, and have Dis-Ease of life! OH now I have a crutch, thank you very much. I was good at the blame game and now here is one more thing I can add to my back pocket of shame.  I am such a loser drug addict; crappy mom, bad sister and daughter, unemployable adnauseam and now I have a mental illness! Great! When I was getting dealt the hand of life, I defiantly got the losing hand, or so I thought!

Over the years I continued to abuse drugs and alcohol with the doctors trying to find that magic combinations of pills that would help with stopping my suicide by installment plan. Funny how a doctor thinks “prescribed” drug will help with a street drug problem.  Nothing helped.  At the end of 2003 I entered my final treatment facility.  I had been off my medication for a few weeks because I could not afford to buy them.

The facility suggested that I wait and see if I really need them. My best friend turned on me, my lover of 28 years cheated on me, lied to me, shamed me and made me feel like I couldn’t live with or without Mr. Cocaine. I was coming off a collage of drugs and of course I would be depressed.

I lived in the treatment facility for women for 6 months and I stayed off of the medication. I think at that point in my life I was kept so busy with making changes and working on myself that I didn’t have time to think.

I had been clean for about a year and I started to feel sad, lonely, tired, bored…I thought ….maybe I was depressed. Back to the doctors I went seeking something to take me out of myself. I didn’t want to feel.  Over the next 5 years I stayed clean from street drugs but I ended up being on 3 different kinds of anti-depressants! Nothing was working! I still felt dis-eased in life.

What in the world did I have to be depressed about? After years of disappointing my family I had them back in my life, they finally trusted me again. I was a productive member of society working a full time job for the last 5 years, I was scuba diving, and I was no longer destroying my life and everyone that was close to me.  Why would I be depressed?

Oh here comes the lie…. wait for it, wait for it… the doctors told me that with the years of drug use to cocaine and my favorite drug “what do ya got?” and the amount that I had been doing, has forever altered my brain chemistry and I would always have to take medication. The brain does not reproduce, the serotonin and dopamine that my body over produced when I was using. cocaine works the neurotransmitters of the brain. It makes the brain release the euphoria chemicals in large quantities to give you that rush of pleasure.

Great I was screwed! I finally had my answer. The doctors told me, so it must be true. Society is plagued with mental illness and now I was just one of the statistics!

I became my own doctor, playing with the doses to try find just the right one. Really no different then being a drug addict; finding that perfect combination of drugs and alcohol. Enough of one or the other to get me to that sweet spot of obviation – a little more and I would get paranoid or a little less and I would chase the dragon even harder.  It was the same for the prescribed medication. Too much of one and I wouldn’t sleep, not enough of the other one and I would sleep too much. I constantly felt like I had a mouth full of cotton.

I would try time and time again to get off the prescription drugs all together and I would end up in bed not caring if the place burned to the ground. Eventually, I believed the lie.

This song on YouTube was my mantra – Please enjoy

 

 

UP NEXT….. HOW I WAS CURED!!……..that’s right……you read right……CURED