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Circling The Drain of My 40’s & What I Have Learned

circlign the drain

 

My forties are coming to a close and the ever looming fifties are upon me.  I’ve always heard stuff like 50 is the new 40’s or 30’s are the new 20’s.  We make up fun sayings when we end a decade to make the slap of reality less painful. We come up with ways for theme birthday parties like Flirty Thirty, Naughty Forty and Filthy Fifty! So apparently we get nastier with age!

In my experience, I was more than happy to leave my thirties behind as well as my twenties. I have come into my own in my forties, and it only took me 25 years to do it. My forties have been so much about learning how life really works and becoming okay with who I am as a woman.

In my opinion my thirties were filthy in more ways than one. I was still in active addiction and most of my thirties passed me by without a thought. I just remember the days would pass into weeks and weeks in months and months into years.  Each New Year would come around and I would think “wow, another year and I am still alive”.  It was in the beginning of my 38th year that I began to have some clarity and with the help of God I was brought to a recovery house for women that changed my entire being.

Through this house, I started to discover the woman in me, and what it meant to be me without a belly full of something! But it was not until I entered my forties that I believe I really started to develop into a responsible, productive, loving, kind woman.

These are some of the things I have come to realize in the last decade:

I learned how to be a friend.

I learned how to let people go from my life that were toxic,

and the only people in my life love and respect me. (this one took awhile)

I experienced love and trust and could reciprocate it back.

I learned how to forgive and sometimes even forget.

I stopped caring if I had makeup on to go to the grocery store.

I started to love myself and all my imperfections.

Keeping a score card is never worth it – letting go wins, so much less energy.

Everyone is not going to love you and that’s okay just love.

I started to live in the solution not the problem. (this way of thinking helped me tremendously)

I began a sweet relationship with Jesus. ♥♥♥♥♥♥

I then started to understand what the meaning of the word surrender really means.

I truly love breathing compressed air and being underwater more than being on land.

I didn’t let my emotions rule me any longer

I have acceptance of others and myself.

Music is healing

It’s okay to cry

Not everyone will forgive you

I realized that I was either operating out of fear or love

I was either running too something or from something and I needed to stop and just be.

Grief does lessen with time and time does heal slowly.

I am more adventurous and bold than I thought – I moved to Mexico alone

That it is okay to agree to disagree with people and still find value in the friendship.

My friends know everything about me and love and accept me anyways.

I learned to be alone but not lonely.

Age is only a number and I try to not let it define me. I have friends of all ages and that gives me perspective.

Having said all that, I know my next decade of my life is going to be awesome;

I am going to embrace it with all its challenges and adventures and learning curves.

All I know for sure is:

The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.

Socrates

Blessings

scubagirl65

 

Part 3- Cured of Depression

So after a couple of weeks at the center I went off my meds for depression. Within a few days I started to decline in my mental state. First symptom was I felt tired all the time, no matter how much sleep I got. That is always my very first indication of a dive into the darkness. Then a very flippant I don’t give a crap attitude, swearing like a trucker (more then usual), feelings of  guilt, hopelessness and worthlessness set in. Lack of concentration and loss of interest in life. The black hole. Darkness

Every day my friend would ask me ” how are you doing?” and I would respond “here it comes.” I spoke of the depression that held unto me for 25 years like something out of a horror movie. This depression had become my worst enemy and I felt like I was trapped in it forever. Depression was forever ….wasn’t it?

In about 1 week I was hard pressed to get out of bed. This one particular day as we were starting bible study the leader asked me a question. To be honest I can not even remember the question but I do remember that it invoked such rage, defiance and rebellion in me. If looks could kill the poor guy would be dead and he knew it. I was ready to blow this popsicle stand and leave this God behind!

That’s it everyone, its time to pray, he said.  All 10 people stood up and gathered around me and raised there hands towards me. Some touched my shoulders or my head. Most of them spoke in their prayer language of Spanish. I couldn’t understand their prayers but God did.

I started to cry. I was told I needed to ask this Jesus person, someone I did not know, to heal me. I raised over my head lifted high and I started to pray. My prayers were like a child, not flowery with beautiful words or scripture just a “please I don’t want this to control my life any longer” more of a plea then a prayer.

I felt like my insides were being pulled. Like a tug of war with my guts, like something didn’t want to let go of me. A gust of air escapes my lungs like I had been punched in the stomach. The prayers and voices went silent. I felt exhausted and I didn’t feel like anything was different.  I felt the same depression only now I was really tired! Huh see nothing happened! This God doesn’t care about me. I went to bed. I slept hours and hours but before I went to sleep I felt hopeless again.

The next day I awoke with a song in my heart! I felt something I never before felt, maybe never felt in my life. I felt freedom! I felt like the world that I was carrying was lifted from my shoulders. I had a smile on my face which was not forced

Was I cured? I was cautiously optimistic. For the first few months I waited for that dark place with no color or light start to creep in, but it never did. It has been almost 3 years and I finally threw away all my medication after the second year. I continued to think it was a fluke, it was the Mx sunshine. It was anything but an actual super-natural miracle from God! Today I know I was relieved from this deadly, mind-altering disease by Jesus.

My life has changed because of His gift to me and I know now that He has given me many gifts that I never recognized that it was from Him!

Today I have hope. And in the last 3 years I have not had a hint of any kind of depression. I am truly free. Now I just need to have him help me kick the nicotine habit! And He will in his time.

Matthew 11 : 25-30

28 ” Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden light”.

 

 

A spiritual journey- Intro

It is almost August 2 years since I left home and today I long for fresh air, rain and decent sushi. I am in a constant state of sweat except when I’m in the office where they turn the air con on so cold I have to wear a sweater

When I made the decision to move to Cabo I thought it was to simplify my life. What I have received has been much more. I am changing in ways that I never thought was possible. The person that I thought I was no longer applies. I am changing in spite of myself from the inside out.

Jesus took me from a life that was full of pain and loneliness about 10 yrs. ago but I never fully surrendered to his mercy and grace until I moved here and started going to church. I am starting to understand his love for me and believe that He indeed has a plan for me  if I just get out of the way and let Him lead.

I always thought of myself as damaged goods and I was broken. God has picked me out of the ashes of a life that I burned to the ground and had been shuffling around in the ashes for decades. HE does not see me as I see myself. HE sees me as I see my child with unconditional love. Because I have allowed him in my heart HE has healed me, fixed me….mended me. I however have not caught up to this new life…..my old behaviors get in my way. My negative thinking, doubt and mistrust. Being a baby Christian I have much to learn. I try not to compare my knowledge or belief system to the others I surround myself with but the enemy (satan) the liar and thief wants to kill steal and destroy me. I was his soldier for many years, self-seeking only pleasure and running through people’s lives like a tornado. However, today I recognize his voice and I know it is not God’s, by knowing this one thing; I can stand strong in God’s word and fight!

I struggle sometimes with my faith! A struggle between the ” what’s right in this world” and ” what’s right in the spiritual world”, being promised things all my life and those promises being broken and I struggle with the promises of someone that I have never met face to face. To believe for the sake of believing and I have met many who possess that unwavering faith and belief. Baby steps, baby Christian I keep reminding myself. A friend said to me last night; “you believe in God, but do you believe Him?”

I love my life today.

If you are struggling or in pain, hold on. It gets better and “this too shall pass”

 

Blessings,

scubagirl