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Circling The Drain of My 40’s & What I Have Learned

circlign the drain

 

My forties are coming to a close and the ever looming fifties are upon me.  I’ve always heard stuff like 50 is the new 40’s or 30’s are the new 20’s.  We make up fun sayings when we end a decade to make the slap of reality less painful. We come up with ways for theme birthday parties like Flirty Thirty, Naughty Forty and Filthy Fifty! So apparently we get nastier with age!

In my experience, I was more than happy to leave my thirties behind as well as my twenties. I have come into my own in my forties, and it only took me 25 years to do it. My forties have been so much about learning how life really works and becoming okay with who I am as a woman.

In my opinion my thirties were filthy in more ways than one. I was still in active addiction and most of my thirties passed me by without a thought. I just remember the days would pass into weeks and weeks in months and months into years.  Each New Year would come around and I would think “wow, another year and I am still alive”.  It was in the beginning of my 38th year that I began to have some clarity and with the help of God I was brought to a recovery house for women that changed my entire being.

Through this house, I started to discover the woman in me, and what it meant to be me without a belly full of something! But it was not until I entered my forties that I believe I really started to develop into a responsible, productive, loving, kind woman.

These are some of the things I have come to realize in the last decade:

I learned how to be a friend.

I learned how to let people go from my life that were toxic,

and the only people in my life love and respect me. (this one took awhile)

I experienced love and trust and could reciprocate it back.

I learned how to forgive and sometimes even forget.

I stopped caring if I had makeup on to go to the grocery store.

I started to love myself and all my imperfections.

Keeping a score card is never worth it – letting go wins, so much less energy.

Everyone is not going to love you and that’s okay just love.

I started to live in the solution not the problem. (this way of thinking helped me tremendously)

I began a sweet relationship with Jesus. ♥♥♥♥♥♥

I then started to understand what the meaning of the word surrender really means.

I truly love breathing compressed air and being underwater more than being on land.

I didn’t let my emotions rule me any longer

I have acceptance of others and myself.

Music is healing

It’s okay to cry

Not everyone will forgive you

I realized that I was either operating out of fear or love

I was either running too something or from something and I needed to stop and just be.

Grief does lessen with time and time does heal slowly.

I am more adventurous and bold than I thought – I moved to Mexico alone

That it is okay to agree to disagree with people and still find value in the friendship.

My friends know everything about me and love and accept me anyways.

I learned to be alone but not lonely.

Age is only a number and I try to not let it define me. I have friends of all ages and that gives me perspective.

Having said all that, I know my next decade of my life is going to be awesome;

I am going to embrace it with all its challenges and adventures and learning curves.

All I know for sure is:

The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.

Socrates

Blessings

scubagirl65

 

Small Dogs & God

AngelServiceDogsDonation-1One day sitting around with a friend we were discussing who we can count on in life. This conversation ensued after one of us had expectations on someone who we thought we could trust.  She had a small pup on her lap, lavishing her with love and affection; she looked up at me and said “the only ones I can really count on are small dogs and God.” We had a good laugh at that and then I said “hey what an awesome title for a book.”  Well, this is not quite a book my friend but here it goes.

When I think of my very first dog; I remember how loyal and faithful he was even when I treated him mean. As a child growing up in a house where all the other siblings are grown and gone it’s like living as an only child. No one to blame, when, something bad happens, and ultimately I was always in trouble for something. Many times I had been disciplined unfairly because I was caught in the cross-fire from a fight between the adults that had nothing to do with anything I had done wrong. Of course this would make me very angry, which I would sometimes direct in poor dogs direction.

I would stomp outside and run out to the barn with my faithful friend Tuffy who was only moments behind me. Assuming I wanted to play, he was always full of enthusiasm;

I would yell at him “go away” I don’t want you to lick me, but no matter how much I pushed him away he would always sit loyally waiting for my anger to subside and I would break down and let him comfort me as only a puppy can love you, with licks and those deep soulful eyes looking at me letting me know that he knew exactly how I felt and he was on my side.

Now I don’t want to ruffle anyone’s feathers when I say that I think it isn’t a coincidence that dog spelled backwards is God. When, I think of my Father, in heaven, and some of His characteristics. Faithful, unwavering love no matter if we are angry at Him, His loyalty to his children; never leaving their side through the bad times. God will never leave us! It is usually us that walk away, thinking it is Gods fault for the bad things that happen in our lives. I personally have walked away from God too many times to count. Blaming God for the bad choices I made or for the life I had. Pushing Him away, instead of, letting Him comfort me. He wants to comfort his children if we allow Him.

Maybe God placed dogs on this earth to provide some of that comfort, to look after His children. To bring us peace, love, joy and smiles. Four legged angels perhaps? The ones that lick away our tears, lick our wounds, and give us comfort when we feel like there is no one else that can.

I encourage if you have not already done so to seek God’s characteristics out. And think about His love, patience and faithfulness.

Blessings

scubagirl

****Disclaimer****** In no way am I saying that dogs are God. I have to put this in because of my friend who sneers at the thought of any comparison of the two so I think if there one there are more.

Friendship and Expectations

My mother then told me “if you obtain a handful of good friends over you’re life time; you are blessed.” When I was 12, that didn’t mean a thing to me, however as I sit today at 47 yrs. old it means the world to me and so do my handful of friends.

I have always tried to take my personal inventory in relationships and in the world at large. Not saying this always happens or I am always perfect or right but then I always have some loving friends that ask me “what’s you’re part in it?”

When people don’t act the way I think they are supposed too; is when the problem always starts. The one thing I have learned about myself is that I am a caretaker and I seem to give more then I get back. The thing with care taking is that ultimately it brews resentment. Especially in times that I lose my voice. Not literally lose my voice but get to the point of not saying what’s really going on inside. Covering it up, masking it because I want to be liked and that committee full of pity inside my head tells me that I am not worthy and I better just shut up and take it. This is by having limited, or no boundaries with that person.

Ok, so I know the problem then what is the solution? Have no expectations on people. When I start to place expectations on people is when disappointment and resentment and hurt come into play. When I place my expectations on man, he will undoubtedly fail. I can only control my actions, thoughts and feelings. I cannot change the way other people act, feel or think. I have to stand true to self. No matter what; I tell that “committee of pity” – that I am worth it and I am loved and valued. If that one person holds a grudge because of me saying my truth then truly he was no friend at all.

My friends that I have today, I know without a doubt in my heart that they will go that extra mile for me. My mother’s words ring true.

I know that in order to have a friend I need to be a friend. Going the distance; listening, sharing, caring about the other person’s feelings but not care-taking them and putting my own needs aside to fulfill theirs. That makes for a one-sided unhealthy relationship. Give and take is always a requirement with healthy boundaries in place.

CS Lewis said it best and many of my long-term friendships started out this way…..

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: “What! You too? I thought I was the only one.”

Blessings,

scubagirl