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Spiritual Journey

Waiting

Learning to be alone by yourself without stuffing your feelings with food, booze, or whatever your vice is an art or skill. Are we ever even taught that it is okay to just be? Right from the time we are young, parents bombard us with a hectic schedule with school and outside activities like soccer, softball, or whatever. And today the kids are more and more busy with plans every day and no time to be a kid. As we grow into adults, we find our way with jobs and hopefully; We have friends we can drink the occasional glass of wine. As a young woman with a family, there never seems to be enough time for you with the demands of small children and spouses.

As a single 50-year-old woman with a grown daughter out of the house, I have lots of time on my hands. I found this to be challenging. Today I’m not super active where I work out, and I don’t hang out in the bars any longer. so where do I put my energy other than binge-watching Netflix? 

A friend told me I overthink and to be fair, I have a lot of time to contemplate life;  which can be detrimental to me? I should not be left alone unattended. My best thoughts can lead me astray to unhealthy behaviors and over the years I’ve tried to conquer.  I’ve made progress, but every so often I find myself in self-destructive thoughts and backsliding behaviors.

I see all these posts on social media saying, “This is not a dress rehearsal, live your life with meaning,” or “Live your life to the fullest” what does this mean?  

In the last few years, I have lived in fear or I am waiting for my life to start. Waiting. What am I waiting for? When there is enough money or when I meet the perfect person or I lose enough weight. Before I know I will be too old to do the things I want and will look back on my experiences in life with regret of all the dreams, I never had the guts to do.

I don’t want to be an old lady with no new adventures except for the chaotic years which lasted decades. I want to make new adventures with new stories and new people in my life. Nike had it right all those years ago. “Feel the fear and do it, anyway!” I am guilty of complacency. This is good enough. Settling down and waiting.

I’ve wanted to travel, and there are hundreds of excuses why I can’t just DO IT! From I don’t have money or time, I can’t go alone! EXCUSES

I traveled to Thailand in 2017. My journey of Eat, Pray, Love and I went solo. As scary as this was to me; to step out of my comfort zone of home and isolation, this adventure sparked something in me. I’m a doer, not a dreamer. I don’t want to be the person saying, “I wish I could be more like that person who just picks up and travels alone.” Today, I am that person who picks up and travels alone. 

I am tired of waiting, and I will make the most of what’s left of my life. 

What have you been waiting for?

Blessings, scubagirl65

Sounds of Silence

It has been a long time since I have put pen to paper or should I say fingers to keys. Writing has always been a way for me to get it all out. The last couple of years, I have stopped using my voice.

Things changed for me a so much. I met the man that I thought I was going to marry. He took up so much of my time that I think I lost myself. I lost myself in his life and forgot about things that made me truly happy. How did I let that happen again? I ask myself this over the last few months. Our love that was anything but calm. I was scrambling, in all directions – it was an all-consuming fire our love.

We both agreed that this relationship was different. From the moment we laid eyes on each other. We had never felt anything like this before, and it was different. We couldn’t get enough of each other. It soon became all consuming. We talked on the phone ALL the time, skype sessions for hours and trips to see each other. He became my world. Nothing else mattered except him and his life. I stopped doing things that made me happy because he was my world.

This is not a fairy tale love story. It soon became very apparent that this relationship had some problems. Not with our love but with life.

The Problem

He lived 2000 miles away, divorced but still not over the loss of the family unit. His children were everything to him, and that was part of the strong attraction I think I had for him. I am sure I will never know the real story of his life before me because as we know, there is his truth, her truth, and then The Truth. Perception is a tricky thing in life.

Having stepped out of the fire, but not on my own accord, because on Feb 14th of this year his heart finally broke and he died suddenly. All my hopes and dreams that I had for a future life with him in an instant vanished.

It left a massive void in my life. My world became silent.
I had let so many things go during our manic whirlwind of a relationship. My life was no longer my own, and I lived for his phone calls and his visits or my visits. I let go of my friends, my church, activities like my love of scuba diving.

As a result, I see how unhealthy I became now that I have silence.
Since that day, when my world stopped as I knew it and life became silent, and grief took over, I have had much time to reflect. Today I finally feel like I am starting to live again. I started doing the things that I love and makes me feel alive diving.

Diving has the kind of silence, a healing silence where it’s just me and my bubbles — the sounds of the ocean with its special lullaby sung just for me.

picture by girlsthatscuba.

Part 3- Cured of Depression

So after a couple of weeks at the center I went off my meds for depression. Within a few days I started to decline in my mental state. First symptom was I felt tired all the time, no matter how much sleep I got. That is always my very first indication of a dive into the darkness. Then a very flippant I don’t give a crap attitude, swearing like a trucker (more then usual), feelings of  guilt, hopelessness and worthlessness set in. Lack of concentration and loss of interest in life. The black hole. Darkness

Every day my friend would ask me ” how are you doing?” and I would respond “here it comes.” I spoke of the depression that held unto me for 25 years like something out of a horror movie. This depression had become my worst enemy and I felt like I was trapped in it forever. Depression was forever ….wasn’t it?

In about 1 week I was hard pressed to get out of bed. This one particular day as we were starting bible study the leader asked me a question. To be honest I can not even remember the question but I do remember that it invoked such rage, defiance and rebellion in me. If looks could kill the poor guy would be dead and he knew it. I was ready to blow this popsicle stand and leave this God behind!

That’s it everyone, its time to pray, he said.  All 10 people stood up and gathered around me and raised there hands towards me. Some touched my shoulders or my head. Most of them spoke in their prayer language of Spanish. I couldn’t understand their prayers but God did.

I started to cry. I was told I needed to ask this Jesus person, someone I did not know, to heal me. I raised over my head lifted high and I started to pray. My prayers were like a child, not flowery with beautiful words or scripture just a “please I don’t want this to control my life any longer” more of a plea then a prayer.

I felt like my insides were being pulled. Like a tug of war with my guts, like something didn’t want to let go of me. A gust of air escapes my lungs like I had been punched in the stomach. The prayers and voices went silent. I felt exhausted and I didn’t feel like anything was different.  I felt the same depression only now I was really tired! Huh see nothing happened! This God doesn’t care about me. I went to bed. I slept hours and hours but before I went to sleep I felt hopeless again.

The next day I awoke with a song in my heart! I felt something I never before felt, maybe never felt in my life. I felt freedom! I felt like the world that I was carrying was lifted from my shoulders. I had a smile on my face which was not forced

Was I cured? I was cautiously optimistic. For the first few months I waited for that dark place with no color or light start to creep in, but it never did. It has been almost 3 years and I finally threw away all my medication after the second year. I continued to think it was a fluke, it was the Mx sunshine. It was anything but an actual super-natural miracle from God! Today I know I was relieved from this deadly, mind-altering disease by Jesus.

My life has changed because of His gift to me and I know now that He has given me many gifts that I never recognized that it was from Him!

Today I have hope. And in the last 3 years I have not had a hint of any kind of depression. I am truly free. Now I just need to have him help me kick the nicotine habit! And He will in his time.

Matthew 11 : 25-30

28 ” Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden light”.

 

 

Part 2 – The turning point

 

When I was planning to move to Mexico my biggest concern was if I was going to be able to get my drugs that I came to rely on for the past 20 years. I soon found out that I could but they were expensive. I made a plan to get a 3-month supply and I would wean myself off 1 of the 3 drugs. Sounded like a plan, this would be one of my constant mistakes through out life – formulating a plan! I knew by this time in my life that left to my own devices and own thoughts I will suffer.  My best thinking got me to this point!

When I landed in Mx, I stayed at a Christian rehab center. A place that believed through prayer, I would be healed from depression.  When I heard about this place I certainly did not get a lot of hope. I heard of prayer curing people but in my heart, I thought God only helped some people but he certainly would not help me.

I grew up with a family that went to church every Sunday. I had serious Christian grandparents who were very strict and made me memorize scripture when I was 5 yrs. old.  However, the story changes from here. I put my hand up at the thought of God or even the possibility of God at one point. Looking back now, I could easily believe in demons and monsters. Why then, was it such a stretch to believe in the light and goodness of God? I was blinded but soon I would see.

One of my biggest fears about going to this Christian rehab was that I swore like a trucker. Every second or third word would be the F bomb. I joked that I would probably walk through the gate and spontaneously burst into flames. I did not.

What I found in this rehab was freedom; from depression, bitterness; and a world that had a lot of gray in it. This no way infers that the grey was from living in British Columbia Canada where we had 300 days of grey skies.

For the first 2 weeks, I was getting myself acclimatized to the new world I was living in. Mexico was at its hottest time of year, September.

I was dealing with new food, new people and no real permanent home or job. All my worldly possessions packed in my little Ford Fit. What had I done driving 4000Km, to this?

Structured like no other rehab I had gone too and believe me I have seen a few, six to be exact. Morning time we were suppose to get up early and seek God by reading the bible and praying on God’s word. I never really did that when I was there.  I would wake up just before it was devotional time. Enough time to get up and make a coffee. One thing with depression I always felt tired even on my meds; I loved my sleep and every one of my friends and family will attest to that.

I was meeting other residents that were all there for some kind of cure whether it is from alcohol, drugs or the dis-ease of life! All of us searching, for something, too alleviate the pain of living in this world.

After 3 weeks of learning the power of Jesus and HIS word, I decided that I was willing to try the power of prayer. Over the years I have always looked for a cure in some sort of pill, potion or notion why not try prayer! I was ready, willing, and open to believe that any thing was possible. I must admit that I still had doubt in my heart but so did doubting Thomas in the bible and Jesus was his teacher in the flesh until Jesus proved to Thomas that HE was indeed real and alive after HIS resurrection. This is what really happened to me. After Jesus had cured me of the depression, I finally believed HE was REAL.

I went off my meds.

Stay tuned for Part 3 – Cured!

A spiritual journey- Intro

It is almost August 2 years since I left home and today I long for fresh air, rain and decent sushi. I am in a constant state of sweat except when I’m in the office where they turn the air con on so cold I have to wear a sweater

When I made the decision to move to Cabo I thought it was to simplify my life. What I have received has been much more. I am changing in ways that I never thought was possible. The person that I thought I was no longer applies. I am changing in spite of myself from the inside out.

Jesus took me from a life that was full of pain and loneliness about 10 yrs. ago but I never fully surrendered to his mercy and grace until I moved here and started going to church. I am starting to understand his love for me and believe that He indeed has a plan for me  if I just get out of the way and let Him lead.

I always thought of myself as damaged goods and I was broken. God has picked me out of the ashes of a life that I burned to the ground and had been shuffling around in the ashes for decades. HE does not see me as I see myself. HE sees me as I see my child with unconditional love. Because I have allowed him in my heart HE has healed me, fixed me….mended me. I however have not caught up to this new life…..my old behaviors get in my way. My negative thinking, doubt and mistrust. Being a baby Christian I have much to learn. I try not to compare my knowledge or belief system to the others I surround myself with but the enemy (satan) the liar and thief wants to kill steal and destroy me. I was his soldier for many years, self-seeking only pleasure and running through people’s lives like a tornado. However, today I recognize his voice and I know it is not God’s, by knowing this one thing; I can stand strong in God’s word and fight!

I struggle sometimes with my faith! A struggle between the ” what’s right in this world” and ” what’s right in the spiritual world”, being promised things all my life and those promises being broken and I struggle with the promises of someone that I have never met face to face. To believe for the sake of believing and I have met many who possess that unwavering faith and belief. Baby steps, baby Christian I keep reminding myself. A friend said to me last night; “you believe in God, but do you believe Him?”

I love my life today.

If you are struggling or in pain, hold on. It gets better and “this too shall pass”

 

Blessings,

scubagirl