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Sounds of Silence

It has been a long time since I have put pen to paper or should I say fingers to keys. Writing has always been a way for me to get it all out. The last couple of years, I have stopped using my voice.

Things changed for me a so much. I met the man that I thought I was going to marry. He took up so much of my time that I think I lost myself. I lost myself in his life and forgot about things that made me truly happy. How did I let that happen again? I ask myself this over the last few months. Our love that was anything but calm. I was scrambling, in all directions – it was an all-consuming fire our love.

We both agreed that this relationship was different. From the moment we laid eyes on each other. We had never felt anything like this before, and it was different. We couldn’t get enough of each other. It soon became all consuming. We talked on the phone ALL the time, skype sessions for hours and trips to see each other. He became my world. Nothing else mattered except him and his life. I stopped doing things that made me happy because he was my world.

This is not a fairy tale love story. It soon became very apparent that this relationship had some problems. Not with our love but with life.

The Problem

He lived 2000 miles away, divorced but still not over the loss of the family unit. His children were everything to him, and that was part of the strong attraction I think I had for him. I am sure I will never know the real story of his life before me because as we know, there is his truth, her truth, and then The Truth. Perception is a tricky thing in life.

Having stepped out of the fire, but not on my own accord, because on Feb 14th of this year his heart finally broke and he died suddenly. All my hopes and dreams that I had for a future life with him in an instant vanished.

It left a massive void in my life. My world became silent.
I had let so many things go during our manic whirlwind of a relationship. My life was no longer my own, and I lived for his phone calls and his visits or my visits. I let go of my friends, my church, activities like my love of scuba diving.

As a result, I see how unhealthy I became now that I have silence.
Since that day, when my world stopped as I knew it and life became silent, and grief took over, I have had much time to reflect. Today I finally feel like I am starting to live again. I started doing the things that I love and makes me feel alive diving.

Diving has the kind of silence, a healing silence where it’s just me and my bubbles — the sounds of the ocean with its special lullaby sung just for me.

picture by girlsthatscuba.

Friendship and Expectations

My mother then told me “if you obtain a handful of good friends over you’re lifetime; you are blessed.” When I was 12, that didn’t mean a thing to me, however as I sit today at 47 yrs. old it means the world to me and so do my handful of friends.

I have always tried to take my personal inventory in relationships and in the world at large. Not saying this always happens or I am always perfect or right but then I always have some loving friends that ask me “what’s your part in it?”

When people don’t act the way I think they are supposed too; is when the problem always starts. The one thing I have learned about myself is that I am a caretaker and I seem to give more then I get back. The thing with caretaking is that ultimately it brews resentment. Especially in times that I lose my voice. Not literally lose my voice but get to the point of not saying what’s really going on inside. Covering it up, masking it because I want to be liked and that committee full of pity inside my head tells me that I am not worthy and I better just shut up and take it. This is by having limited, or no boundaries with that person.

Ok, so I know the problem then what is the solution? Have no expectations on people. When I start to place expectations on people is when disappointment and resentment and hurt come into play. When I place my expectations on man, he will undoubtedly fail. I can only control my actions, thoughts, and feelings. I cannot change the way other people act, feel or think. I have to stand true to self. No matter what; I tell that “committee of pity” – that I am worth it and I am loved and valued. If that one person holds a grudge because of me saying my truth then truly he was no friend at all.

My friends that I have today, I know without a doubt in my heart that they will go that extra mile for me. My mother’s words ring true.

I know that in order to have a friend I need to be a friend. Going the distance; listening, sharing, caring about the other person’s feelings but not care-taking them and putting my own needs aside to fulfill theirs. That makes for a one-sided unhealthy relationship. Give and take is always a requirement with healthy boundaries in place.

CS Lewis said it best and many of my long-term friendships started out this way…..

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: “What! You too? I thought I was the only one.”

Blessings,

scubagirl65