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A spiritual journey- Intro

It is almost August 2 years since I left home and today I long for fresh air, rain and decent sushi. I am in a constant state of sweat except when I’m in the office where they turn the air con on so cold I have to wear a sweater

When I made the decision to move to Cabo I thought it was to simplify my life. What I have received has been much more. I am changing in ways that I never thought was possible. The person that I thought I was no longer applies. I am changing in spite of myself from the inside out.

Jesus took me from a life that was full of pain and loneliness about 10 yrs. ago but I never fully surrendered to his mercy and grace until I moved here and started going to church. I am starting to understand his love for me and believe that He indeed has a plan for me  if I just get out of the way and let Him lead.

I always thought of myself as damaged goods and I was broken. God has picked me out of the ashes of a life that I burned to the ground and had been shuffling around in the ashes for decades. HE does not see me as I see myself. HE sees me as I see my child with unconditional love. Because I have allowed him in my heart HE has healed me, fixed me….mended me. I however have not caught up to this new life…..my old behaviors get in my way. My negative thinking, doubt and mistrust. Being a baby Christian I have much to learn. I try not to compare my knowledge or belief system to the others I surround myself with but the enemy (satan) the liar and thief wants to kill steal and destroy me. I was his soldier for many years, self-seeking only pleasure and running through people’s lives like a tornado. However, today I recognize his voice and I know it is not God’s, by knowing this one thing; I can stand strong in God’s word and fight!

I struggle sometimes with my faith! A struggle between the ” what’s right in this world” and ” what’s right in the spiritual world”, being promised things all my life and those promises being broken and I struggle with the promises of someone that I have never met face to face. To believe for the sake of believing and I have met many who possess that unwavering faith and belief. Baby steps, baby Christian I keep reminding myself. A friend said to me last night; “you believe in God, but do you believe Him?”

I love my life today.

If you are struggling or in pain, hold on. It gets better and “this too shall pass”

 

Blessings,

scubagirl

 

 

Spiritual Journey | Scuba Girl 65 | | 1 Comment |   changing God jesus journey simplify

Friendship and Expectations

My mother then told me “if you obtain a handful of good friends over you’re lifetime; you are blessed.” When I was 12, that didn’t mean a thing to me, however as I sit today at 47 yrs. old it means the world to me and so do my handful of friends.

I have always tried to take my personal inventory in relationships and in the world at large. Not saying this always happens or I am always perfect or right but then I always have some loving friends that ask me “what’s your part in it?”

When people don’t act the way I think they are supposed too; is when the problem always starts. The one thing I have learned about myself is that I am a caretaker and I seem to give more then I get back. The thing with caretaking is that ultimately it brews resentment. Especially in times that I lose my voice. Not literally lose my voice but get to the point of not saying what’s really going on inside. Covering it up, masking it because I want to be liked and that committee full of pity inside my head tells me that I am not worthy and I better just shut up and take it. This is by having limited, or no boundaries with that person.

Ok, so I know the problem then what is the solution? Have no expectations on people. When I start to place expectations on people is when disappointment and resentment and hurt come into play. When I place my expectations on man, he will undoubtedly fail. I can only control my actions, thoughts, and feelings. I cannot change the way other people act, feel or think. I have to stand true to self. No matter what; I tell that “committee of pity” – that I am worth it and I am loved and valued. If that one person holds a grudge because of me saying my truth then truly he was no friend at all.

My friends that I have today, I know without a doubt in my heart that they will go that extra mile for me. My mother’s words ring true.

I know that in order to have a friend I need to be a friend. Going the distance; listening, sharing, caring about the other person’s feelings but not care-taking them and putting my own needs aside to fulfill theirs. That makes for a one-sided unhealthy relationship. Give and take is always a requirement with healthy boundaries in place.

CS Lewis said it best and many of my long-term friendships started out this way…..

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: “What! You too? I thought I was the only one.”

Blessings,

scubagirl65

Randomness | Scuba Girl 65 | | Leave a comment |   boundaries care-taking expectations friendship mother knows best

Try

Welcome Peeps!

As I sit here on my deck looking up at the cloudless baby blue sky and endless sea listening to the birds sing and chirp to a melody only they can understand. I reflect back to a much heavier darker time in my life. A time where nothing changed, a time where forgiveness was not in my vocabulary, a time where the pain of being me was like scalding oil penetrating into my soul. My deep hatred of self that propelled me into a dark world of no color or light.

Through sheer tenacity, help from a few dedicated people, my world became full of light and color. It was through this journey that I received the most powerful gift, hope.

Through out my life people have told me to write a book about my life. It was usually after I shared a part of my life to them and the typical response was ” wow, you really should write a book” I’m not sure if that was to cover up there shock or they really meant it. Maybe a little of both.

Over the years I have written in countless journals about my pain, sorrow and adventures of active addiction. I have written hundreds of words in my attempts at getting well through the 12 step recovery program, which after years of trying, finally stuck.

I love the quote by Stephen King about becoming a writer, ” you can, you should, and if you’re brave enough to start, you will.”

So here I go. I hope you receive something that you can take with you.

Blessings

Light | Scuba Girl 65 | | Leave a comment |   addiction recovery starting Try writing